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 Zen Youshi [Approved] - Huntah

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Zen Youshi
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PostSubject: Zen Youshi [Approved] - Huntah   Wed Apr 22, 2009 4:25 pm

General Information

Name: Zen Youshi

Age: 19

Gender: Male

Personality: Zen is quiet when he is doing alchemy and he does not want to be interrupted in the process on trying to defeat an enemy. Zen likes to do work by himself. He doesnt like to be bothered. Zen is made fun of because of his metal arm. Which he doesnt like but it gives him more power. Zen also has a brother, which he doesnt like to talk about, he is like his other personality. They both seem alike that is why he calls him his brother.
Appearance:

Faction/Rank: State Soldier

Nationality Amestris


Battle/Skill Information

Weapons: A large Axe.The axe has one alchemy symbol one each side of the blade. Zen can also transform his axe into a Double bladed axe, he doesnt like it though because is weakens and slows down his attacks, he likes to use it against a small enemy. Zen likes to use the Single bladed form better because he can get more combos off of it, and more powerful combo attacks. The axe has a pure wood and iron handle so when Zen does a powerful attack it will stick to his metal arm like a magnet and wont fly off. Zen will have to make some of his iron filling create the second blade on the axe, which also decreases his attack hit and combos.


Skills: Zen knows alchemy and he is able to change his metal arm (explained in history) into different interchangeable weapons used to defeat bad guys and criminals in his state.

Items: Items: Custom made weapon.It is a series of iron filling and magnets that can form diffrent weapons by focusing into forms of weapons, Zens arm is a metal one with an alchemy symbol. The iron fillings are mostly in the back of his metal arm this fills up about 75% of Zens metal arm. He can also transform his arm into different weapons that can be used for good and evil. He got this arm from one day he used this alchemy spell that ripped it off

History & RP Sample

History: As a kid Zen had always been a silent boy, he was lonely, and felt forgotten. The days rolled by each day as his life seemed to just fall to pieces one by one. Back as a toddler, his parents were murdered by a young alchemist who had became upset with his family. Because of this Zen has became unconditionally, and irrevocably insane. In which his mental state is locked up deep inside his psyche.

As he got older, his psyche became more calm. His attitude towards others lessened down and he became very calm. He really was not much of a relationship person so he never hung around to many people that liked or disliked him. He was not mean at all towards anyone, you could say he is the "Good Guy". He was around the age of ten when his school was blown up by a crazy psycho path who wanted to avenge a death of someone dearly departed from the school.

When he was twelve his life was changing quickly. Some kids in the higher level classes of society hated Zen because of his expertise in the arts of education. They tried to tap into the psyche of Zen after hearing the rumors about his life as a small child. They came close to have him committing suicide but he pulled it all back together. His life from then on was focused on protecting himself with one and one thing only, Alchemy.

Now, at the age of 15, Zen is stronger and faster than he was as a child. He is more bright and sane in society. Even though his insanity is locked up deep within his psyche, if someone were to open it by hitting him or activating it, he would surely kill everyone in his path. Even loved ones. Today he practices Alchemy his goal is to become a State Alchemist. Before he achieves this goal he was enrolled into the army.

RP Sample:"I swear my spleen is cooking... I'm cooking my spleen..." Zen groaned as he stood somewhere within a large desert. The sun was high and beating down right onto his back and he sure he was cooking his internal organs. Even beneath the shade of his jacket he was still sweating like no one's business. Over to the side though, there was a small oasis that he so wanted to jump into.

With a sigh, Zen unhooked the armor he was wearing, letting it clang to the ground. "WHY IS IT SO FREAKING HOT!" He yelled, falling onto his back and pouring the canteen of water over his face. He swore the metal on his cheek was sizzling and he groaned once more. Rolling onto his back, Zen crawled and popped into the oasis and sank to the bottom. With a blink Zen shook his head and groaned, the bubbles floating up to the surface. "I can't swim... how could I forget that..."


Last edited by Zen Youshi on Wed Apr 22, 2009 8:51 pm; edited 10 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: Zen Youshi [Approved] - Huntah   Wed Apr 22, 2009 5:07 pm

Ok, a few things. First of all you can't start out as a State Alchemist. To obtain this rank you must either start off as a Civilian or a State Soldier then take the State Exam.

Please add more to your personality. A few more lines should suffice.

For Nationality you need to put where you are from. Central (Amestris) Or Ishbal or where ever your character is from.

Please explain your weapon of choice. It's looks and etc. On that note please explain more of your iron fillings. How much is there, where are they stored and things of that accord.
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Zen Youshi
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PostSubject: Re: Zen Youshi [Approved] - Huntah   Wed Apr 22, 2009 5:27 pm

Done
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PostSubject: Re: Zen Youshi [Approved] - Huntah   Wed Apr 22, 2009 5:41 pm

I hope you realize that using alchemy takes a toll on you and makes you weak depending on how much you do right? So be carefull with your axe and iron.

Your Gener is of male, but your Role Play sample says "she" throughout the entire thing.

As for your history. Why were the kids killed in the circle around you? Explain that more. And there is no way that you can bring people back. Not at your current skill. So edit that. Also, because you cannot bring people back to life you need to put a reason why your character lost and arm. How he got the automail and etc.
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PostSubject: Re: Zen Youshi [Approved] - Huntah   Wed Apr 22, 2009 5:44 pm

I know that about my RP sample, I didnt want to seem too obsessed with Zens Guy form, OK, I will work on my History
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PostSubject: Re: Zen Youshi [Approved] - Huntah   Wed Apr 22, 2009 5:54 pm

What do you mean Guy form? Please choose one gender. Female or Male.

Also, your RP sample seems to be a collection of various rp samples. I see Naruto in there. Please write a sample that is with your character.

Ok, your history makes little sence. You wake up and find the kids had nailed themselves to the ground to harm you? That's extremely outrageous, so please remove that. Also you havent explained how you lost an arm or how you recieved the metal arm.
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PostSubject: Re: Zen Youshi [Approved] - Huntah   Wed Apr 22, 2009 5:58 pm

IM out
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PostSubject: Re: Zen Youshi [Approved] - Huntah   Wed Apr 22, 2009 7:09 pm

BUMP the RUMP
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PostSubject: Re: Zen Youshi [Approved] - Huntah   Wed Apr 22, 2009 7:26 pm

Ok, you cannot specialize in Thunder Alchemy because you already use alchemy on your axe and on your arm AND your iron pellets. Adding thunder is extremely overpowered. Remove one or the other.

Much longer history, much longer please. Explain your childhood up to the present.

On that notem this is a non canon site dont refer to anime character (Roy Mustang)

Please add an RP Sample.
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PostSubject: Re: Zen Youshi [Approved] - Huntah   Wed Apr 22, 2009 7:47 pm

ok zen. When Jace said make it longer, he didnt mean add a bunch of blank lines. He meant make the history and rp sample longer by adding more to them. Also, where does the other blade come from on your axe? You cant make it out of thin air, it has to come from somewhere. In the personality, you said your character doesnt want to be bothered when he is bringing someone back to life. He has done that before? If so put that in your history.
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PostSubject: Re: Zen Youshi [Approved] - Huntah   Wed Apr 22, 2009 7:55 pm

I fixed it
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PostSubject: Re: Zen Youshi [Approved] - Huntah   Wed Apr 22, 2009 8:06 pm

there is nothing in the history about a human transmutation. And it sounds like he performs them often since you said the ones he bring back is is usualy a family member. human transmutation is very compilcated and comes and major costs. A norma civilian alchemist won't be able to do one so take off anything to do with human transmutation. Also, there is nothing in the history about him joining the military.
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PostSubject: Re: Zen Youshi [Approved] - Huntah   Wed Apr 22, 2009 8:32 pm

Bump
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PostSubject: Re: Zen Youshi [Approved] - Huntah   Wed Apr 22, 2009 8:47 pm

You character is 15 and in the army? I would make him older. Why does he have a metal arm? Last thing is, you didnt add what i said about the axe. Where does the second blade come from. In alchemy you cant make something out of thin air. Other than that it looks ok
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PostSubject: Re: Zen Youshi [Approved] - Huntah   Wed Apr 22, 2009 8:51 pm

BUMP
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PostSubject: Re: Zen Youshi [Approved] - Huntah   Wed Apr 22, 2009 8:52 pm

ok dude. stop bumping your app. There are no topics infront of it
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PostSubject: Re: Zen Youshi [Approved] - Huntah   Wed Apr 22, 2009 8:53 pm

i never new what bump meant, sorry, Edited
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PostSubject: Re: Zen Youshi [Approved] - Huntah   Wed Apr 22, 2009 8:56 pm

Approved
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